- "Love, honor and cherish."
- "Till
death do us do part."
- "Faithful and loyal to
you only forever."
These
are typical wedding vows. Are they realistic? Must they
be realistic?
Once upon a time, vows were contracts.
Break one and here comes the judge. "Upon my soul" and  "So
help me God" carried the prospect of eternal damnation. "Cross
my heart and hope to die," persuaded me to swallow
many a youthful lie. Fortunately, nobody goes to jail when
a marriage
fails, although I suspect the divorce rate would plummet
if such a law were enacted.
A wedding vow that simply states
the status quo would say something like, "I promise
to do what I've been doing until something happens." That's
a slam dunk. On the other hand, "I'll never think
about anyone else till I die" is a fib.
Marriage
is an odyssey, not a bus tour. Brides and grooms take
big risks with each other and their futures. They
need some assurance of at least a good heart and serious
effort
from their mates. So wedding vows that merely describe
the present and the probable aren’t enough. And
vows made to conform to an external standard -- religious,
social,
parental -- are fairy tales with likely sad endings.
Couples
should negotiate their vows and continue to renegotiate
them as the years pass. These changing
vows will nourish
their hopes, celebrate their victories, and envision
their future, as a couple and as individuals. Wedding
vows are
lofty words spoken with deep resolve. They’re
a contract in which love and caring are both the
price and the reward.
So start by negotiating your
vows. Then make your
officiant put them in your ceremony, or find someone
who will.
It's your wedding—and your marriage.
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